Damn Sweets.

The kiddo is selling those damn chocolate bars for a school fundraiser. Yeah, you know the ones… The World’s Finest Chocolate. The ones that cause every mother in America to gain a minimum of 5lbs. Yes…I’m up to 3lbs gained… I currently can’t count how many I’ve eaten this week.. The caramel bars are my favorite, but the waffle crisps are pretty good too. The Hubby loves the almond bars.

It doesn’t help that no one wants to buy them anymore so they sit here on my coffee table…taunting me. I’m weak… They’ve made them smaller and changed the taste and texture of the chocolate. The wrappers are different as well. Of course, they had to in order to keep the price of them at $1.00 a bar or they’d go out of business. BULLSHIT! There is no good reason to mess up a product that was perfect in itself.

I don’t know why I keep scarfing them down. The chocolate has a strange, cheap taste to it. I guess I’m so desperate for something sweet in my hormone driven cravings that I  can’t be picky. It’s like I’m eternally pregnant… but not. I’m so over it…

I have got to get rid of these things. The other night we went to get a pizza and I asked the clerk taking my order if he wanted to buy some. He must have not been informed of the changes because he bought five of them. My mother bought five as well. A few of his bible study teachers bought some. They come in boxes of sixty now. There are forty Left.

You know this means I have eaten about eight or nine… just since Wednesday.

I HAVE A PROBLEM. I’m willing to admit….

I have a sweet tooth….

Any ideas how to get rid of these damn Chocolate bars faster?

Please any input will be helpful!

HURRY!!! Please..before my seasonal 5lb gain becomes a 10lb gain or more!!

My Shower Spy

The weekend is my favorite time ever. Usually because it’s our family time, but the occasional night/morning alone with my husband is even better!

Saturday mornings especially. I get to wake up with his sexy self and he is always so warm. He usually makes the coffee.. and I’ll admit… his is better than mine. (Just don’t tell him I said that!) We usually cook breakfast and then sit on the porch for a while and chat about random things. We laugh a lot. I love it. I love him. He’s adorable.

This morning he is extra tired because we continued our celebration last night. Wine, dancing, and love making. Thank God for Grandmas (The kiddo was with her). The Hubby plays the guitar and sang me to sleep. It was a wonderful Friday night.

It actually started out kind of funny. I am a shy, anxious person so it takes a lot for me to be open and allow myself to be goofy me around most people. This bothers him. I just can’t help it. Anyhow, last night, I wanted to feel sexy when he got home from work. I wanted to relax. I wanted our night to feel magical.

I had called my mother to ask if she’d get the kiddo from school and keep him overnight. She agreed. Step 1 accomplished!

I polished my nails, which seemed to take forever because I kept smudging and having to clean and start again. Once I had perfected them I let them dry. Added sparkles and a coat of gel to prevent any further chipping or smudging. Step 2 DONE!

I knew he’d be home soon so I ran upstairs to jump in the shower. I needed to shave my legs as I was bordering on wookie status. Hey now, it’s getting cold and that shit keeps me warm! Plus it is No Shave November! *smirk*

I usually shower with my Hubby so a shower alone is kind of strange anymore. I play music to keep myself occupied. Pandora works well. I have a shower mix. So I am in there shaving, singing, and beboppin around. About 7 songs played before I was completely done. The first, however, is when The Shower Spy stepped into the bathroom without me noticing. It was Bon Jovi’s ‘It’s my life.’ I was singing so loud I didn’t even hear the door open and close.

The Hubby says I’m cute when I think no one is around. So he sat there listening to me sing and talk to myself about random things. It was most entertaining for him. Had I known he was in there I’d have pulled him into the shower with me.

So there we were only a curtain between us. I was having a good time jammin’ out while he was getting a laugh and debating on joining me. Once the hot water ran out I decided that I should get out and finish getting ready as he would be home any minute. I couldn’t decide if I should throw on something sexy or just be naked when he walked in the door. I flung the curtain back and there he was… naked… grinning.

I screamed and almost fell over snatching my towel to hide my face. I asked how long he’d been in there. He sang, “It’s myyyy liiiiiiiiiife and it’s now or neeeever! I ain’t gonna liiive forever!” I knew that had been the first song. My face must have been the shade of a cherry tomato. He kissed me and said he thought it was all adorable.

While I was embarrassed, I was happy he was home and I didn’t have to put anything sexy on… He had already been thoroughly entertained.

 

 

The Headache

5:30 A.M.

*WERNT….WERNT….WERNT…*

My right eye popped open, yes… just the one, as I flung my arm over to smack that damned alarm. I hate that alarm. The buzzing sound feels like a spear being shoved through my temple. Unfortunately, it is the only alarm that will wake me anymore. I sleep like a log. This morning it was worse…

I had wine last night with dinner and a few more glasses afterwards to celebrate my husband’s upcoming job. So getting up at the ass crack of dawn wasn’t going to be easy today. I reassured myself that once the heathen I gave birth to was off to school I could sleep more. In that moment I just smacked the snooze button. Just a few more winks… ahhh… warm bed… fuzzy….Ahhh. Silence. Thank God for the snooze button. Thank God it’s Friday and tomorrow I won’t have to hear that despicable sound.

*WERNT….WERNT….WERNT…*

I winced as I snatched the clock and yanked the cord from the wall. Dropping it on the floor before I flung the blanket away from me. I grumbled as I reached for my phone, blinded by the brightness of the screen, I squinted…

5:42 A.M.

My head was pounding. I didn’t have a choice but to get up and get moving. I made a promise to the kiddo last night. In a slightly drunken stupor I agreed to get up early and play a board game with him before the school bus arrived. Honestly I would’ve agreed to just about anything to get him to go to bed so I could have some quiet time… and wine, let’s not forget the wine.

I staggered down the hallway trying to tip toe as the hard wood floor was freezing and it creeks entirely too much. I didn’t want to wake my son just yet. I needed to pee and start coffee. A morning cigarette followed. My head still pounding as I opened the front door to a cool breeze. I stepped out and around the corner of my porch to my peaceful place. I have a very comfortable chair that I escape to quite often to drown out life’s chaos.

I lit my cigarette and cursed myself for this stupid decision. I could be in bed, all warm and fuzzy, for at least another hour. I watched as neighbors headed out to work and high school kids lined up at the bus stop. Here we go… another day in the rat race… I sighed and shook my head. Dreading the moment I was approaching.

5:56 A.M.

“Hey Kiddo, it’s time to get up! We have a board game to play!” I tried to sound chipper.

He groaned and pulled the covers over his head. “Not noooow Mom! I’m tiiiired!” He whined in his 10-year-old high pitch voice which caused me to wince again.

“You sure? I got up early, as I promised. You sure you want to miss out on all the fun we could have?” I was trying to stay calm as I was extremely annoyed about being awake at all myself.

He grunted and rolled over. He chose sleep. Of course he did. Who in their right mind wouldn’t?

Well, now I was up. There was no way for me to get back into a good sleep. Not to mention that I had already pulled the cord on the alarm and didn’t want to fuss with it again. I had already made coffee.

I shut off his light. Back to my peaceful place. The porch. Coffee. Cigarettes. Quiet.

Suddenly my headache was gone.

Ahhhh.

The Neighborhood Water Bandit

Click clack…. click clack…… click clack..

The wheels of a rusty old shopping cart rattling down the sidewalk announce her presence. She is old, tired, and stops every few feet to take a breather. She wipes her brow as she gazes down at the pile of empty milk jugs she is pushing around.  This has become her daily routine. She peeks over her shoulder to make sure no one is around before she removes a jug. She smirks as she staggers up into a random yard. No one suspects anything devious from this sweet looking old lady.

She adjusts her sweat pants as they begin to slowly sag. She looks as if she is drowning in her royal blue jogging suit. Her gray hair twisted up into a messy bun, thin wisps hanging around her eyes. As a car approaches she kneels down to tie her tennis shoe and watches to make sure they didn’t notice her.

As she nears the random house she moves towards the side of it. The side where there is a water hose. She greedily snatches it up as she glances around one more time before turning the knob and shoving the hose into that milk jug. Once it’s full she turns off the hose and staggers back towards her cart. It seems as if the jug, now full of water, weighs a ton as she struggles to lift it over the rusty edge of the cart. Once she manages to defeat it she moves on to another random house, a random hose, and repeats this until all of her jugs are full.

Some neighbors wonder why their water bills have increased. Some call down to the water department and file complaints. Everyone is frantic looking for some sort of leak in their home. Everyone except the little old lady with the rusty shopping cart. She is enjoying a glass of sweet tea as she waits for her water to boil so she can cook spaghetti for her husband.

She doesn’t pay the water department. She just fills her jugs each day. No one ever suspects anything.

Click clack… click clack…. click clack…

Morning Coffee

Alarms are the devil. 

I can’t express how badly I want to smash mine with a hammer. If it weren’t for my son needing to go to school I definitely  wouldn’t have one. I don’t like the entire concept of time. Clocks are ridiculous. They promote the rat race in our society. Life is meant to be enjoyed not rushed through.

People don’t realize how much time they waste trying to keep a schedule. Most times it’s not even their own… it’s someone else’s. We shouldn’t have to be at anyone else’s beck and call. Unfortunately that is the world we live in. We’ve created it.

Imagine for a moment that you didn’t have a schedule.

That no one did.

What would you do?

I can tell you that I would spend more time with the people who matter to me. We’d relax, drink coffee, chat about anything and everything. Laugh until we cried and cry until we laughed.

I would cook more and savor every single bite as the flavors burst into my mouth. I’d have dinner parties and leave the dishes until the morning because sipping wine and laughing with my friends would be more important.

I would swim, no… float..I’d float and listen to the occasional splash of another body hitting the water. I’d stare up at the stars and drift into my own thoughts for a while. The cool water would feel like a cloud, holding me there, comforting me.

I would read for hours on end, entire series of books…. I would write more. The feeling of the keys under my fingertips would be a comfort, almost as if I were making music. Music that would touch my soul. Maybe even the souls of those I love so much.

I would make love to my husband every morning and every night. I would take my time, run my fingers over every inch of his gorgeous body, lock our lips and get lost in the taste, breathe in the smell of his sweat. The look in his eyes. I wouldn’t miss any of it.

I would play with my children. We’d build things and do daily science experiments. I’d teach them everything I know. We’d have leaf piles to romp in and snowball fights. Living room blanket forts and ghost stories around the campfire.

I know you are thinking all of this is possible with a schedule. It is. You’re right. However, with a schedule these things are rushed. Timed. Limited to weekends and evenings. We have so much to cram into a day, a week, a month, even a year… these things get pushed back until “we have time.” Before you know it life has passed you by and you die.

Where does all of our time go?

I need another cup of coffee…

First Post Ever.

Hello, I began this blog because as of late I have been struggling with several aspects of my life and I simply needed an outlet. I know you may be thinking why didn’t you get a journal? My answer is because a journal doesn’t give feedback. Not that anyone is going to be so interested in what I  have to say that I will get a ton of it anyway. Nonetheless, I may get some and that in itself is helpful to me at this time or the time that will come later down the road.

I used to write quite a bit. I am rusty. You see I was in a terrible relationship. He was obviously intimidated by my ability to get lost in my own little world.  I simply didn’t need him enough. He tried to break me and in some places of my heart and mind he did get very close. I feel as if I wasted 7 yrs of my life with a complete sociopath. I completely lost myself and now I am on a mission to find what makes my soul sing again. That whole relationship…that is a story for another time.

Another reason I wanted this blog is because I no longer believe I can trust the so called friends I have surrounded myself with. Really…It’s as if the moment I started dating that idiot I became one too, an idiot. Love does strange things, well at least in his case. So you see I am finding myself all over again. As we get further along into the details of all that hoopla you will probably begin to think I am insane. I sometimes wonder…

Anyhow, for now, this is just a glimpse of my reality. If you like what you’ve read or are intrigued to find out more about this curious, rambling, redhead feel free to follow along for future ramblings. Any feedback about anything would be much appreciated. I’m just kind of wingin’ it right now.

God bless ya and have a beautiful day!

Feeling Lost

Hello again.

I am feeling so lost today. I set up this blog. I guess that was exciting in itself. However, I am still at a loss with what to do with myself. I keep asking myself how I got here…

To this point.

Feeling so lost. Useless. Stupid. Jaded.

I’m not having a pity party, honestly I generally feel okay. I am just lost. Bored maybe. I want to do something productive and just don’t have any clue as to what to do.

I once had my own business and I loved it. I just don’t know if I can handle all that again. Right now I have too many people expecting something from me and I’m over here like… uh… no. I’m just going to do nothing until nothing turns into something.

Does that even make sense?

Meanwhile, this nothing I’ve been doing is pretty boring. I just can’t get a hold of myself. I know that working for someone else is not going to work out right now. I have had it up to my ears with listening to what everyone else wants. I have always given so much of myself. I suppose I am becoming a taker. This doesn’t seem good but I deserve it for now.

I feel that way anyway. Yet… I know there is something I should be doing…but what? I guess the main task at hand right now should be healing and finding myself again. I buried myself under a pile of hatred and other rubble during my last relationship. So the real question is not what should I do, but who am I now? So much has changed.

Today I truly feel as if I should climb under a rock and avoid all social interactions. I should have done that when my divorce was final. However, I needed my little group of supporters at that time. PTSD, OCD, and crazy ass hormones aren’t a blissful mix.

Ok..pump the brakes. I should say I have been divorced for over a year. I’m not pining over my ex at all, in fact, I recently remarried. As for my ex… well… I’d enjoy seeing him suffer a slow and painful death. You’ll learn why eventually.

Yes… I’m crazy. I’ve accepted this.

Honestly, this time, marriage was a no brainer. My husband has been my best friend for about 10 years. Long before I ever even met my ex-husband. Yes he did try to warn me way back when…that my ex was weird and the douchebaggery was strong with that one… I did not listen because I’m an idiot, or I was… then. I had the wool pulled over my eyes. I guess you could say I woke up… but too much has changed and trying to dig up who you once were isn’t easy.

Now back to today. I am here, going nowhere, and I’m okay with that. Yet… I’m not.

I know! It’s so confusing…