Feeling Lost

Hello again.

I am feeling so lost today. I set up this blog. I guess that was exciting in itself. However, I am still at a loss with what to do with myself. I keep asking myself how I got here…

To this point.

Feeling so lost. Useless. Stupid. Jaded.

I’m not having a pity party, honestly I generally feel okay. I am just lost. Bored maybe. I want to do something productive and just don’t have any clue as to what to do.

I once had my own business and I loved it. I just don’t know if I can handle all that again. Right now I have too many people expecting something from me and I’m over here like… uh… no. I’m just going to do nothing until nothing turns into something.

Does that even make sense?

Meanwhile, this nothing I’ve been doing is pretty boring. I just can’t get a hold of myself. I know that working for someone else is not going to work out right now. I have had it up to my ears with listening to what everyone else wants. I have always given so much of myself. I suppose I am becoming a taker. This doesn’t seem good but I deserve it for now.

I feel that way anyway. Yet… I know there is something I should be doing…but what? I guess the main task at hand right now should be healing and finding myself again. I buried myself under a pile of hatred and other rubble during my last relationship. So the real question is not what should I do, but who am I now? So much has changed.

Today I truly feel as if I should climb under a rock and avoid all social interactions. I should have done that when my divorce was final. However, I needed my little group of supporters at that time. PTSD, OCD, and crazy ass hormones aren’t a blissful mix.

Ok..pump the brakes. I should say I have been divorced for over a year. I’m not pining over my ex at all, in fact, I recently remarried. As for my ex… well… I’d enjoy seeing him suffer a slow and painful death. You’ll learn why eventually.

Yes… I’m crazy. I’ve accepted this.

Honestly, this time, marriage was a no brainer. My husband has been my best friend for about 10 years. Long before I ever even met my ex-husband. Yes he did try to warn me way back when…that my ex was weird and the douchebaggery was strong with that one… I did not listen because I’m an idiot, or I was… then. I had the wool pulled over my eyes. I guess you could say I woke up… but too much has changed and trying to dig up who you once were isn’t easy.

Now back to today. I am here, going nowhere, and I’m okay with that. Yet… I’m not.

I know! It’s so confusing…

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About justajourna1

I am 35, I have always been intrigued with writing. I love it. It is one of the few qualities about my existence that will never die. I love to read as well. At this point in my life I am on another soul search. I have one son, I always wanted more children but I was cursed with severe endometriosis. I am currently married and blessed to have a step-son and a step-daughter. Their father and I have been best friends for a long time. We have a blast together. It's like having a slumber party every night! The thing I love the most is that he accepts me as I am. Broken. Moody. Hormonal. He strives to make me smile and succeeds. (I don't know how he puts up with me) Anyhow, that's a little about me. For more... read the journal.
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2 Responses to Feeling Lost

  1. Harvey Grund says:

    Hi,
    I kinda know how you feel but I haven’t been saddled with your OCD, PSTD, etc so I guess I’l never fully know.
    It sounds, from your “About” post, that right now you should be celebrating every day instead of worrying about what was. The worry will just make you feel older and more worn out.
    Keep writing, I enjoy your style.
    Harvey

    Liked by 1 person

    • justajourna1 says:

      Thank you! I am trying to celebrate. I am haunted and these ghosts aren’t easy to get rid of. Over time I will be okay, but for now I’ll just deal with it the best I can. I love writing and don’t plan to stop anytime soon. It is therapeutic for me. I’m glad you like it!

      Like

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