I am feeling so lost today. I set up this blog. I guess that was exciting in itself. However, I am still at a loss with what to do with myself. I keep asking myself how I got here…
To this point.
Feeling so lost. Useless. Stupid. Jaded.
I’m not having a pity party, honestly I generally feel okay. I am just lost. Bored maybe. I want to do something productive and just don’t have any clue as to what to do.
I once had my own business and I loved it. I just don’t know if I can handle all that again. Right now I have too many people expecting something from me and I’m over here like… uh… no. I’m just going to do nothing until nothing turns into something.
Does that even make sense?
Meanwhile, this nothing I’ve been doing is pretty boring. I just can’t get a hold of myself. I know that working for someone else is not going to work out right now. I have had it up to my ears with listening to what everyone else wants. I have always given so much of myself. I suppose I am becoming a taker. This doesn’t seem good but I deserve it for now.
I feel that way anyway. Yet… I know there is something I should be doing…but what? I guess the main task at hand right now should be healing and finding myself again. I buried myself under a pile of hatred and other rubble during my last relationship. So the real question is not what should I do, but who am I now? So much has changed.
Today I truly feel as if I should climb under a rock and avoid all social interactions. I should have done that when my divorce was final. However, I needed my little group of supporters at that time. PTSD, OCD, and crazy ass hormones aren’t a blissful mix.
Ok..pump the brakes. I should say I have been divorced for over a year. I’m not pining over my ex at all, in fact, I recently remarried. As for my ex… well… I’d enjoy seeing him suffer a slow and painful death. You’ll learn why eventually.
Yes… I’m crazy. I’ve accepted this.
Honestly, this time, marriage was a no brainer. My husband has been my best friend for about 10 years. Long before I ever even met my ex-husband. Yes he did try to warn me way back when…that my ex was weird and the douchebaggery was strong with that one… I did not listen because I’m an idiot, or I was… then. I had the wool pulled over my eyes. I guess you could say I woke up… but too much has changed and trying to dig up who you once were isn’t easy.
Now back to today. I am here, going nowhere, and I’m okay with that. Yet… I’m not.
I know! It’s so confusing…